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“She was just a horrible woman. Mean. Snappy. She was at it for days and in the end I had to pay them like 3000 dollars and I still don’t know what for.”

“They did all this stuff and I wound up paying 1500 bucks.”

“You’re humped!”

“Those people are assholes. They will stay until they find something, anything. I think they get in trouble if they don’t come back with something.”

“Don’t piss them off.” Such is the unofficial advice from my accountant.

These are the testimonials I got from some of other business owners I know when I told them about my upcoming Provincial Sales Tax audit. I’ve been in business for many years but I’ve never been audited for anything. In the early years it was likely because I was below the radar. But apparently not any more.

The Provincial Government has sent me stern sounding form letters telling me about the process. I’ve always run my shop above board, but I still get worried when the government wants something from me. Governments can be tricky. You never know what they are going to do and if you piss them off they can screw you harder than the devil.

I’ve faced up government auditors before. Not for my business, but to support a past employer. They were auditors from the federal revenue ministry and they were downright mean sons-of-bitches. I was required to explain what I was doing for the company to justify some kind of tax break. They were rude and contemptuous. Even our accountant was amazed by the hostility of these people. Needless to say, we didn’t get the tax break.

So I am greatly worried.

I want to be philosophical about the process. I figure if I owe money I owe it. My job as a retailer is to collect the sales tax and remit every bit of it to the provincial government. But what if I’ve made some great big error and I owe them a stupid-big amount money? We’re not a big firm — I’m not sure if the company can swing even a five thousand dollar tax bill.

When I finally get around to speaking to the auditor on the phone to set up a date, the voice on the other end is female, youthful sounding, friendly, and polite. I figure this to be some kind of tactic by the Ministry of Finance. They contact the victim with the pleasant sounding people to lull them into a false sense of security then they send in Guido and Luigi to carry out the audit. Can’t fool me. They are coming to get me.

On the Thursday morning — A-Day — as usual, I’m on the phone dealing with the support-related detritus of my job. An attractive young woman walks in. No thugs, or men in black, just a girl with a laptop bag and a briefcase. It’s obvious who she is. She introduces herself, and she sounds like the pleasant voice on the telephone. Wow. I’m about to get a government audit.

Next Post: I get my audit on.